I'm lost, and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
This is all off the top of my head so I would say "I'll try to keep this brief" as I'm a resident in the nation of canned responses, but this is basically all shit that I want to get off my chest. Most people are going to stop reading here, so that's cool, helps me sleep at night.
I find myself saying it over and over again, cashing out, checking out, moving on, being done with this and that. Just seems I can't do shit right.
Having "battled" Depression on and off for the last...few years because I'm not going to put a number on that, doesn't really seem like much is improving for me. In between the pain medications, anti-depressants and physical therapy, I've grown tired of it. Have really just come to terms with the feeling of constant loathing and disappointment with myself. It'll all be over soon enough.
Every time I take a step of progress, some events transpire to make me fall back down the proverbial ladder or have to put everything on hold just to deal with that ONE event.
I've been injured (nothing broken, thankfully, bunch of bruises and overextended limbs etc) on and off for really close to 2 years now, killing all hopes of me trying to return to Active Duty "anytime soon" (Have been doing a BUNCH of paperwork and other qualifying BS to retain my current "Status" but rather not elaborate further) or do much of anything else to dig me out of the hole I seem to be in.
People tell me to keep my head up and do things to make me happy.
Well, kind of hard to do when every faggot in every fucking direction wants to come along to tell me why they don't like what I'm doing, or doesn't like the specific way that I'm doing it. Or the best that I've encountered, I don't deserve the opportunity. Okay, sure.
Cars (vehicles in general) are just about the only thing I like anymore, the only thing that keeps me busy and the only thing that can keep me going. Unfinished projects are the real reason I haven't just ended my life yet. We can talk about that being the easy way out of my misery and how that would be passing the torch, but fuck that. I can tolerate most of the assholes but the "holier than thou" types seem to be fucking everywhere these days, but still aren't as bad as all the "Gaymurrz" and who the fuck ever else surround just about everything else I used to like (Gaming, Painting/Art, Writing, Music...etc).
Kinda hard to be positive, when I never see anything positive. See and hear bad news everywhere. "You've got to want to be happy"
I've stopped caring about most stuff on the global scale, I'm one man (most wouldn't even dare to call me that...), what can I REALLY do to change anything going on in this fucked up world? A good week for me is when I don't get news of a family member passing or another friend I served with getting KIA. Bills got paid and I'm alive for another week (pending some medical evaluation for other issues), cool.
Another plane went down? Well that sucks, I didn't know anyone on it. Another shooting? Condolences to the family, bury the body(ies) and be done, don't trivialize any person's death over three weeks of "news" coverage. Bruce Jenner got a sex change? Cool, whatever, let them be them. The list can go on, and I don't want to sound [even more] insensitive but there's just too much bullshit in day to day life that has no bearing or actual effect on my own(or anyone else's, for that matter) life.
I'm not looking for sympathy or insight, not much is going to help me at this point. All the people I did go to for help are dead. I was finally able to realize that no amount of tears or alcohol is going to bring them back. The few left are dealing with their own problems, and I'm not going to be some selfish asshole to make them set aside their shit just to deal with me - Have been trying to help them through their own rough spots.
So I guess I say fuck it and peace out like I always do. Keep on moving on however the hell I have been these last few arduous years. It helps to try to keep a good perspective, I feel like a bitch because I know there are those who have it far worse.
There's a few other things that I'd touch on, but with everything included, who's really going to care? I'd be shocked if anyone actually read through the whole thing. I'm gaining nothing by doing this, just letting go of a few things that I don't know how long I've held them in for.
- MV / CaptainSmartAss