hey guys it's Zeague/Dave and I have let you guys down again.. but i'm getting help

so what's up guys!? So once again I have relapsed..

I am leaving tm for detox yet again. this time though i'm gonna work my ass off like when i got 18 months sober. Plus i have some health issues right now. I have a bad infection on my foot and it hurts all over, it's super swollen, still got the splinter or what ever still all up in it somewhere..plus all the fucking doctors keep telling me it's a possibility that i could lose my foot. which would obviously SUCK DICK!! plus i throw up about 7 times a days and i threw up some blood today.

 

 so basically my life is really good right now but i'm ruining it with this fucking shit. i have a great girlfriend who is absolutely gorgeous, amazingly smart, and just a really  real person. i moved in with her last October for money issues i planned to only live with her for a month but we just loved it. we got to know each other really well and just basically fell in love with my little angel. we turned out to love each other not only as people but also roommates. next to getting those 18 month sober she is the best thing and greatest thing that as ever happened to me. I've got a 2004 Subaru forester that still runs and should last me a couple more years..

 

like i said my life is pretty cool right now so i really need to get my life back on track.. i was doing so good too but gotta leave the past in the past work on today. which in this case is getting my ass back in detox and just following advice from other people. i took my will back from god and this is what happens.

 

so guys until next time. yall keep it real and hope yall are doing great. you guys are all great dudes. sorry to let some of you down i know a lot of yall looked up to me for that shit.. but i'mma get my shit back together boys.. be back better than ever.. god speed see yall on the other side.

Hey man, we're human. Sometimes shit happens, under stress, going through fucked up shit and all that. Getting help should make detox better.

 

Time in this situation is your best friend and worst enemy.

 

And of course, best of luck to you!

Get healthy, Zeague.
Rooting hard as fuck for you 

Always will be, love

Own it

you could never let us down. all that's happening is just part of it. it's a vicious cycle. just try to remember the rat park experiment. we are only as healthy as the environment we allow ourselves to be. idk i'm not one to be handing out advice as i'm struggling myself. got a week clean tomorrow though.

hopefully you're safe in rehab and not out somewhere with a rig in your veins. regardless though dude godspeed.

Get better you crazy bastard. <3
hope to get better soon dan

Man... it's weird I met you in H2 matchmaking in 2005. 

Hope everything works out. 

oooooohh buk i miss u i miss all u niggas.

 

but yes it's me. i have now ranked up 8 overdoses with 2 more since you saw me last. i'm a complete pathetic moron. i don't know what i'm doing

but i am clean since the 9th :rolleyes:
Jesus, you're going to die.
damn man just get on bupe or methadone before it's too late.

well technically stay dead. i already have a time of death given by a doctor and then the narcan brought me back and freaked all the nurses out. i mean shit doc pronounced me dead and a miin later i finally come to............... i know i dont sound too serious i've been having some weird dreams and as i said i do have some time clean.

can't sleep for shit. unless you count a two hour nap i took around 10pm 2 nights ago or if you wanna count the 20 miins or so i was overdosing because i came back i haven't slept since wedsday? or thursday..

 

 

i smoke a lil bit of weed and started freaking out i was dead and this is just my brain tryna cope. cause i mean if i did really die it's gonna take a min you dont just shoot up and die so who knows maybe my girlfriend and buddy walked in on me and are just crying over my dead body and she's not really sleeping next to me on the couch.

 

i seem to keep watching my life flash before my eyes

and when i get to the end i never seem to regret killing myself with heroin.

 

 

weird huh

damn man just get on bupe or methadone before it's too late.
i can't do either. last time i was on subs i was shooting them and that was back in RI. i know i can't do methadone that shit is so addicitive.

 

what i need is a motherfucking record deal

i just know i'm either going to die or i'll do it you know? everything else is just a crutch waiting to break in my hands. i mean shit methadone fucks you up especially for how much i'd have to take cause i cannot say without lieing if i did do that i would go shoot up again.

from a couple days after july 4th to randomly spread about like 3 week??? clean of shooting up black tar my veins are so far gone then when i went to rehab back in 2013 from shooting china white/coke/pills for years...

 

i just want one more i tell myself but how much is just one more anymore idk

also just kidding i barely even play guitar anymore for fucks sake i dont know who i am.

 

also i lost all my gainzzzzzzzz went from right around 230 down to like 183 right now... at 6'3 ish...

funnily everywhere but my face looks weird.

also am i the only who wakes up and looks at life like "will i be able to even get out of bed tm"

 

people out there doing real shit or at least in the "eye of society"

 

and i'm here scarred if i can even make it to the end of my story.

also i hate lieing to my parents but fuck. when i went to detox like a month ago and told her from there i thought she was gonna have a heart attack. and now i got 2 more! aaaaand another hospital bill..

anyone know what ahppens if i just never pay a hospital bill????

I believe it ruins your credit.
goes to a collection agency then you get shit from lawyers saying they'll fuck you in the ass if you don't pay
So this is what you want to do with your life zeague? Be heroins bitch and eventually die from overdose? Does that satisfy you, are you content with that?
Stay strong man, nothing is stopping you from beating this besides you. Its a hard truth but you need to be strong to get past this. Best of luck my friend, you are not alone.
Zeague ur one of the chillest people on here, good luck man.
does anyone keep in touch with zeague?

my credits been shot for a while.... oh well...

 

been clean since the 12th tho :D

 

qnd no, no one really keeps in touch 3ith me.... im on xbox tho sometimes more than others..... gt; zeague

 

if u wanna keep in touch

Hey Zeague stay positive brotha.  

Get your shit together man. I know you can do it. You're a good dude.

Love ya bro. I know its been awhile, but you're my boy.

my credits been shot for a while.... oh well...

 

been clean since the 12th tho :D

 

qnd no, no one really keeps in touch 3ith me.... im on xbox tho sometimes more than others..... gt; zeague

 

if u wanna keep in touch

do you still have the same phone number?

i've been clean 3 days from subs. still taking ativan at night for the anxiety and sleep issues. i'm scared shitless that i have hepatitis c infecting my liver right now. i shared rigs so many times when i was just so pill sick i didn't care. can't even make a doctor visit because i'm on my parent's insurance and the coverage has already been maxed for the year. i'm in debt to so many places from scams i pulled while using. credit is absolute shit i'm sure.

you just gotta find things to occupy your mind. that's what everyone keeps telling me. i know it is so hard when you feel like you described, not wanting to get outta bed. i felt like that just this morning. then i finally got up and took some vitamins, ate some cereal, and then came on here to read about everyone else's shenanigans for a bit. just realize that the withdrawals are the only reason you feel this way, and the longer you're on the worse it gets. then you get the PAWS which is the reason myself and most others end up relapsing.

i guess we just have to realize that it will go away eventually and our brains return to homeostasis. there are ways to make this happen sooner such as excercise, diet, etc. i have been trying to walking at least a few miles every day for the restlessness if nothing else.

meh you've probably heard this all before, but i felt like typing it out just so i could read it myself when the cravings happen. lastly i'll say again that you were my hero when you first got clean for that really long stretch and i was just falling into my own addiction. so i believe that you can make it there again brotha.

Don't forget about this then. Remember what you said yourself.

Rooting for you too, folksy.

A guy I know once said something about quitting cigarettes: "If you want to quit cigarettes, all you have to do is never smoke again." It's so true and it applies to any addictive substance, really. Obviously some are harder than others. But when it comes down to it, if you want to quit drugs, all you have to do is never do drugs again. 

If would seem very simple to him and us, but the thing is, some would maintain that your friend never had the addiction/addictive personality to begin with

I'm wondering how the process really goes down. Like, our man Zeague here and those alike will have the right intentions, but then get the itch and make the moves to satisfy that need. But I would assume the drugs aren't always available in your home. So, you'd have to make the pick up. But do you ever catch yourself in those motions, the ones between deciding to go out and actually receiving, where you examine your actions and ask yourself why? How do you negotiate with them? Idk could probably articulate these questions better but maybe Dave can respond nonetheless

i'll respond for you desa. there is no debate once an addict is made. once fully addicted the motions you described are simply auto-pilot. you don't have time to sit and debate because your brain tells you to get that substance or else you are in severe trouble (withdrawal). you become so strung out that you love every aspect of the lifestyle. the anticipation of a high when you're on your way to score. the rush you feel when you finally see blood plume into that needle. the narcotic haze you stay in temporarily after. and you even grow to love the sickness because you know the only way to feel a true rush again is to let yourself become sick. a mini tolerance break if you will.

when i was using daily i couldn't even be depressed in withdrawals because i'd be daydreaming of that next high. it is only when you are weeks or months off that the true depression sets in. it just isn't sustainable though. mother nature takes care of that via tolerance. you eventually come to a point when you absolutely need it to even feel normal so then you're in trouble.

i could probably write you a book on this shit, but i'll just direct you to read junky by william s. burroughs instead.

edit: thanks for the support guys. i can use all i can get.