hey guys it's Zeague/Dave and I have let you guys down again.. but i'm getting help

Figured as much: that as an addict on a mission, there is no capacity to be critical in that way. But what about the very acknowledgment of it? Is that not enough to spring up the thoughts you wrote down above and counter them when on a run? I suppose I know the answer. But maybe just knowing there's an auto pilot can prompt you to grab the wheel again

Just thinking out loud, I guess. Kick its ass, man

yes sometimes i get depressed and dont look at it for days but ill usually always respond eventually.. pm me if u lost it (or if anyone wants it idc im just not posting it ;)

 

i've been clean 3 days from subs. still taking ativan at night for the anxiety and sleep issues. i'm scared shitless that i have hepatitis c infecting my liver right now. i shared rigs so many times when i was just so pill sick i didn't care. can't even make a doctor visit because i'm on my parent's insurance and the coverage has already been maxed for the year. i'm in debt to so many places from scams i pulled while using. credit is absolute shit i'm sure.

you just gotta find things to occupy your mind. that's what everyone keeps telling me. i know it is so hard when you feel like you described, not wanting to get outta bed. i felt like that just this morning. then i finally got up and took some vitamins, ate some cereal, and then came on here to read about everyone else's shenanigans for a bit. just realize that the withdrawals are the only reason you feel this way, and the longer you're on the worse it gets. then you get the PAWS which is the reason myself and most others end up relapsing.

i guess we just have to realize that it will go away eventually and our brains return to homeostasis. there are ways to make this happen sooner such as excercise, diet, etc. i have been trying to walking at least a few miles every day for the restlessness if nothing else.

meh you've probably heard this all before, but i felt like typing it out just so i could read it myself when the cravings happen. lastly i'll say again that you were my hero when you first got clean for that really long stretch and i was just falling into my own addiction. so i believe that you can make it there again brotha.

yea me and my girl need to get checked we shared needles and ive used them to the point it can barely break my skin which can give it to u too.... plus needles coming from god knows where.. i know man stayng outta ur head is the hardest part man believe me if it was just physical pain oooooooh my god it would be so easy u know??? haha

and yeah man just a day at a time it gets better...... and yeah man i made it 18 months off everything no pysch meds no nothing i know i can do it i just need to man up..

If would seem very simple to him and us, but the thing is, some would maintain that your friend never had the addiction/addictive personality to begin with

I'm wondering how the process really goes down. Like, our man Zeague here and those alike will have the right intentions, but then get the itch and make the moves to satisfy that need. But I would assume the drugs aren't always available in your home. So, you'd have to make the pick up. But do you ever catch yourself in those motions, the ones between deciding to go out and actually receiving, where you examine your actions and ask yourself why? How do you negotiate with them? Idk could probably articulate these questions better but maybe Dave can respond nonetheless

yesssssssssssssss thats a big problem for early recovery. it becomes routine and changes the basic natural function of your brain like the pyrimid of life or whatever u know?

like food>shelter>sex   blah blah blah it becomes drugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>everything else.

when i had time there were times i was on my way to pick up when i realized what i was doing.. youll twist everything in ur head to justify why u need not want btw NEED to get high.. because after a while ur brain believes it NEEDS it to survive. they tell u in aa and na if u want to use call someone.. its to start a new routine. instead of 

u want to get high --> u do what u gotta do (calls, get money, pick up, etc) ---> get high

its

u want to get high ----> call ---> they help u thru it..

 

like this saturday. i'd been clean for would have been 2 weeks this past tuesday... and i had a feeling my girl was getting high. so i talked to my buddy and he wanted to get high (meth head met in rehab ended up beng neighbors few months later).... and i wanted to get high but i didn't want to... so eventaully i rationalize .. well if shes gonna get high imma get high.. so i tell him and we go back she says shes been smoking it... so we left said we were going somewhere and copped. you are the company u keep but the thing withs addicts is we all have a dark side which is drugs and the fact that eventually a least a lil the nagging always comes back even if only a sec... with more time clean it seems less fun, you can think clearly, you hopefully kow more normals peoples or peoples from meetings who understand just what ur asking and have been thru the same or similar situations and can help u..

 

now even as i know this is a stupid idea.. on the car ride i said and i quote "we shouldn't do this // this is so fucking stupid" all i could CLEArLY (cuz a lot of shit was oging on in my head) think about was that high.. .... so i've only got a couple days again.

i'll respond for you desa. there is no debate once an addict is made. once fully addicted the motions you described are simply auto-pilot. you don't have time to sit and debate because your brain tells you to get that substance or else you are in severe trouble (withdrawal). you become so strung out that you love every aspect of the lifestyle. the anticipation of a high when you're on your way to score. the rush you feel when you finally see blood plume into that needle. the narcotic haze you stay in temporarily after. and you even grow to love the sickness because you know the only way to feel a true rush again is to let yourself become sick. a mini tolerance break if you will.

when i was using daily i couldn't even be depressed in withdrawals because i'd be daydreaming of that next high. it is only when you are weeks or months off that the true depression sets in. it just isn't sustainable though. mother nature takes care of that via tolerance. you eventually come to a point when you absolutely need it to even feel normal so then you're in trouble.

i could probably write you a book on this shit, but i'll just direct you to read junky by william s. burroughs instead.

edit: thanks for the support guys. i can use all i can get.

completely this i feel like im more addicited too seeing the blood pull back in the needle than the actaul high...

 

Figured as much: that as an addict on a mission, there is no capacity to be critical in that way. But what about the very acknowledgment of it? Is that not enough to spring up the thoughts you wrote down above and counter them when on a run? I suppose I know the answer. But maybe just knowing there's an auto pilot can prompt you to grab the wheel again

Just thinking out loud, I guess. Kick its ass, man

like i said before we (addicts) are basically cartman from that fish dicks episode.. we can convince ourselfs to believe anything..

like i said about how i said i would use only if my girl was....... the thing was I fucking knew she was. i was just twisting my fucking brain around to make it "okay"..

 

drugs are fucking crazy and i fucking hate them.... if u have anymore questions or anything desa shoot away or if i was unclear about anything im all here to talk about it kills some time and if it's time not high then that's cool for me.

well i just want to say i really hope you make it through it dave. i'd say text me or fb but i have neither anymore. sold my iphone to get high and deleted fb to prevent contact with any of my old hooligan crew. but hit me up on here or rarely xbl if you ever wanna talk. good luck buddy.

hhahahahahahaha i feeel you man been there done that. im on xbox on halo once in a while my gt still the same just zeague add me or pm me urs before u sell ur xbox (been there too hahahah)

 

and god speed man we'll both neeed it

i love you zeague please take care of yourself 

i am proud of you dave, im proud to know you

but i really do love you, like a brother, i know you'll get it together, you are strong enough, you know you are

 

stay solid as a rock brother, tife life 

10 years here since 3 weeks ago, and you're at Beyond gobbling up Halo 5 and 343. Shame on you, Mike.
yeah hi mike : (
Lol I thought the same exact shit.

10 years here since 3 weeks ago, and you're at Beyond gobbling up Halo 5 and 343. Shame on you, Mike.

yeah ive been a member here for 10 years but for ~5 years i was either inactive or banned

1. i dont really give a fuck about halo or h5, console gaming is no longer appealing to me, yeah i own it but ive only played it for like 10 hours max. 

2. i've been very critical of 343 and i've been very public about it as well, i'm blocked by josh holmes and another 343 employee on twitter because of how i've gone about things

i've also been very critical about h5, mcc, and 343 on team beyond, and the reason i chose to post there was because 343 is active on that website.

this whole thf vs team beyond mentatlity is childish and holding this site back, the one thing tb and thf have in common is that they are both genuine communites, you should be angry at halofollower and readyuplive for being shill communities that only exist to further 343's agenda

so chill, i can do whatever i want, i'm not obligated to be active here and i don't have an "allegiance" to any website, nowadays i mostly visit reddit and twitter, and watch streams on twitch (besides playing games)

anyways, yo dudes, glad to see some familiar names still around

Michael, don't be brash. Of course you've sworn unspoken loving allegiance to thf. You may love another, but you mustn't ever forget
Just glad to see your name, Mike. :)
mike i miss u

relapsed again after a week and three days clean. guess i'm done though. got lucky and found funds to allow me a couple chances to use. only got bupe though and only slammed it the first time. so now i'm out of that and kinda scared my mom is gonna stop my aunt from giving me the lorazepam. only been taking 2mg for 2 months at the max, but benzo withdrawal can be scary. i have yet to experience it and hope i never do. here's to tapering down from that i guess.

sorry i let everyone down again. it's a struggle.

I see you guys tell each other that you've let each other down...and I like that this accountability is here for help.  But one thing I want to kind of impress on you guys who are struggling with addiction - you can do it.  You may not get it on the first try...but you CAN do it.

You CAN do it...not because you want everyone around you to be happy for your choices.  You CAN do it because you WANT to.

One of the toughest things that people can go through, physically, is the transition from regular weight lifting into FULL ON body building.  One of the NEXT toughest things people can go through, physically...is fighting addiction.  But people get through both of these all of the time...because they WANT to.

I'm not saying that you guys don't want to...I don't mean to imply that anyone here doesn't have the desire to be clean.

But WANTING to be clean is the first step...and this comes from within.  If you didn't "want" to be clean...you guys wouldn't even be trying.  You wouldn't be looking for resources, and you wouldn't be posting your failures in a place where people are holding each other accountable.  You guys are on the right path...but you can't be hard on yourself about your relapses as long as you really want to.

What you guys SHOULD be focusing on is the goal.  And I don't mean the goal to be clean.  The GOAL is to be able to _______ and to do that, you have to be clean.

When you start keeping your eye on that goal...it's a lot easier to start seeing more progressive improvement, and it makes things like urges and withdrawls less potent.  (I'm not saying you won't have those urges or those withdrawls...but I'm saying that they become easier to manage because your eye is on the prize.)

When a weight-lifter looks at the current set of body-builders, and sees how different the two are, they find a fire inside of themselves that drives them.  In the same way...you guys used to have a fire for getting high.  Your fire isn't there anymore, as evidenced by your desire to clean up.  But you haven't found a new fire.   You don't have a passion that you're pushing your body for.  (Maybe you think you found one...but be honest with yourself if that's really something that you're passionate about.)

If the passion for that goal is greater than your weakness...you'll overcome it in time.  It's just something that humans are innately good at.  That's how we, as a species, got to the moon, that's how we've developed medicine, that's how we built 60 story buildings, that's how we run a sub-10 second 100 meter dash, and that's how you guys will get clean.

Set a goal.  Focus on the goal.  Watch the world around you change.  I know that's easier said than done...but if you constantly find yourself relapsing, I would bet a lot of money on the fact that you haven't simplified the situation enough.  Stress makes it SUPER easy to go back the old ways.  But diverting that stress into some sort of way to drive your passion is what I've seen a lot of successful recoveries stem from.  You've GOT to find a passion.

After that...focus on that passion until you get there.  Getting clean will be a biproduct of that process instead of focusing 100% on the failure of not being able to stay clean, and letting the stress eat you up.

It ain't easy...but you can do it.
You CAN do it, or you wouldn't be here talking about it.

 

wow i just want to thank you rebal for that post. crazy how years ago i took your advice on my little high school crush situation and prevailed from it. now i'm in an even more serious situation where i need to take that advice seriously. i haven't posted until now because i've been in a constant state of relapsing after only a week or two clean. i just used bupe a few days ago. i was cut off the ativan i was taking as well and am four days clean of that. hopefully i won't feel any withdrawals because i haven't used opiates daily in over a month. i guess i will update this after i get my life straight so i can actually bring you guys good news.

hell the only reason i'm so talkative now is because of the 2 grams gabapentin i've taken today.

dave how are you doing man?

what are you taking lyrica or gabapentin? Don't get the lyrica if trying to not abuse stuff
you can do this Zeague. I went through the same thing you're going through and I eventually beat it. Withdrawals are the fucking worst but I know if I can do it you can too bro, just gotta stay strong.
it was gabapentin that i took but only that one day. been clean of everything except weed since. never tried lyrica, but the other helps tons with a lot of the symptoms of opiate/benzo withdrawal imo so i assume lyrica is just a more powerful version due to the increased BA.
FFS get well 
im doing alright man. tryna figure some things out and pay off some bills i got this summer.. coming up on 2 months tho. just keeping on keepinng on u know.. thanks for that post rebel made me think a lot 
ayy keep at it bby.
YOU GUYS GOT THIS!!!!!   Plus...once the physical part is over, your guys' willpower will be off the charts.  The ability to make things happen after you overcome addiction like this really pays off in spades.

Beat yourself, and no one else can.  YOU GOT THIS!
YOU GUYS GOT THIS!!!!!   Plus...once the physical part is over, your guys' willpower will be off the charts.  The ability to make things happen after you overcome addiction like this really pays off in spades.

Beat yourself, and no one else can.  YOU GOT THIS!
thanks for your inspiring words before, Rebal. i am now a couple months clean of everything but weed. now comes the hard part which is putting my life back together.
My Nukka. <3